ASS: A Seemingly Normal Guy Turns Out To Be A Total Nutter

Advice for Ass: Take a chill pill, an anger management course and consider a self-imposed incarceration at your local nuthouse...

RATINGS (1-10, 1 being not a lot and 10 being off the charts)
Spoiled (1)
Crazy (15)
"Blonde" (1)
Slutty (0)
Irresponsible (4)
Drug Addled (?)
Anal (5)
Violent * Special category just for Ass (7)

Even though the house was shabbier, I was excited to be moving in with my friend Noel, and living so close to the beach. Noel shared the house with one guy, we'll call him Ass. Her last roommate who had lived with her and Ass had left over a dispute with him. She had left the front door open and Ass's dog had escaped and he had yelled and berated for it, and she had decided to move immediately. I heard the story, but the dispute didn't sound that bad and I assumed Jeanette, the old roomie must have been pretty high strung.

The first week at the new house was good. Noel and I had fun getting me moved in, and Ass seemed nice enough, he seemed like a chill surfer guy, cool enough, and I was happy. After Faith, Cam and Flora and the hippies I should have known that peace can come before the storm of roommate psychosis, but I just didn't see it coming.

I'd been moved in for a little over a week, and had the house to my self one night. I was sitting in the living room and I glanced at Ass' fish tank, which was huge and covered in Algae. The algae was so bad that I couldn't see the fish inside, even though I knew they were in there, and it occurred to me that if I couldn't see in, they couldn't see out either. So I cleaned the fish tank. It took me 2 hours, and it still wasn't perfect, but I could see the fish, and the fish could see me.

The next day I woke up to violent knocking at my door, and when I answered it Ass was on the other side and starting yelling at me about the fishtank, telling me I shouldn't touch his stuff. I told him I was sorry, I was just trying to be helpful by cleaning the tank. That did nothing to calm him down. In fact, he was so riled up that he just kept saying "don't touch my property". At this point I'm like, calm down cowboy, I won't touch your stuff, but he had a totally different interpretation than I did for what that meant.

The next day, Noel and I came home to a note from Ass stating again that we weren't allowed to touch his property. Sounds just a little anal so far right. BUT WAIT, HERE COMES CRAZY! The note explained that his property included the TV in the living room so he had taken it out of there, the paint on the walls, so he had removed our pictures from it, the couches and chairs, which he had turned UPSIDE DOWN so we could not sit on them, and marked their spots in case we tried to turn them over while he as gone, and THE FLOOR, because he'd purchased the carpet, so we shouldn't walk across it. Since one door to my bedroom opened up on the living room, he said he would make an exception, and I could walk across the living room when I was entering or exiting the house. Kind of him I know.

The note was so crazy that all we could do at first was laugh, but then we walked into the living room and found the TV gone, our pictures off the wall, and all available seating turned upside down and we knew we were dealing with a real nutter.

We avoided him from that point on, as best we could. Unfortunately, we received a new crazy note everyday, and an occasional visit by Ass who would yell at us from outside our bedroom doors. Then one day Noel mentioned to me that the gas on the stove had been on and asked if I could make sure to turn it all the way off. I told her that was ironic because I was about to ask her the same thing. This is when we simultaneously worried that Ass had turned it on and decided to investigate.

Ass used to leave for work around 5:30am, and so we set our alarms for 5:40am and came into the kitchen to check the stove. And lo and behold, the guy was not just crazy and belligerent, but homicidal too. Every morning we found the gas on and turned it off. We compiled all of the notes Ass had written to us and went down to the police station to see what we could do about being safe in our home. The police were no help, telling us that they didn't have the authority to do anything until we were actually injured. We talked to the landlord about the problem, but he was basically useless. We stopped going home whenever possible, only stayed there if we were together, and started looking for a new place to live.

I was only home once by myself the night before Thanksgiving because I had mistakenly assumed that Ass was out of town. I learned I was wrong when I woke up in the morning and the gas was on. That day I was driving to San Francisco and as as I neared the city I noticed that my ride was getting bumpier and attributed it to the road. It wasn't until I reached my destination and gotten out of the car that I realized that my tire was stripped. When I got back to Santa Cruz, right as I pulled into my driveway I found the tire culprit, there was a sharp object on our porch, where Ass had obviously tossed it when he was done puncturing my tire.

Luckily I'd come home with a guy in tow or I wouldn't have stayed there at all. Even luckier, Ass put in his notice. Of course he didn't leave quietly or without destruction. He pulled up the skate ramp&deck in the yard and pulled out most of the plants. But that was worth it to see the back of that Ass. And we did, he took off never to be heard from again, probably terrorizing and attempting the murder of someone else, somewhere else. Well good riddance to him!